The story of Jake and Troy

Ages

2006-08-06T21:06:00.000+08:00

It has been way too loooong ever since the last time I had my thought put here. I just did not have enough time.

Oh well.

Updates: I already have had 2 months at my very first work (I mean a full time work since I actually had part-time work during college). I'm enjoying it- the people, the pay, and the environment! I'm so luck to have tried it out there. On the other side, Troy is already studying and working at the same time. It's a bit stressful for him but he knows he has to do it- for himself... and also, I told him that when the time comes that we already are living together, I don't want hear myself blaming him for not finishing up his college- y'know what I mean. Although it could be a little selfish but I would want to tell my family about my relationship with him with the both of us already having our own stable jobs so that I won't be hearing anything from them (ye, I know- too rebellious tone- hahaha... coz I come from a conservative family... and I have no idea what happenned to me- lol!).

I'll be updating this blog regularly... I missed doing this. ^_^

Separate lives...

2006-06-05T21:58:00.000+08:00

I have been babbling for how many weeks that me and Troy would be away from each other... but fortunately, due to some unexpected turn of events, Troy decided not to live with his aunt... and instead, stay where he is and continue his studies while working. I was happy- very happy- because at least we would not be 8 hours apart, just about 1 to 2 hours. At least, if ever something goes wrong, or if he needs me badly, I could come right away to the rescue ^_^ I felt guilty at first because I knew that I was the reason why he opted to stay here. It was like a "career or love" kind of thing because staying here meant he would be working hard for the rest of his college life to support his schooling just to be close to me... and I am very grateful for that... and because of what he opted to do, I see myself obliged to work right away (rather than slacking off for about 1 to 3 months) in order to support my beloved loved one ^_^ I think It's more than an obligation now... It's what I call love ^_^

Petty fights

2006-04-01T16:36:00.000+08:00

I'm really fascinated by the way Troy handles little fights between us. It's never really normal for him to be humble enough to approach me and tell me how bad I am (that's his way of saying sorry "can you please talk to me?"). He knows when I'm angry at him- I just go silent all of a sudden. Of course I go nuts when I see that he doesn't care that I'm mad but nowadays, he's so much different. He's so sweet. ^_^ Just two days ago, we were having a discussion about his new phone when he suddenly got irritated and just didn't say anything. We were walking towards home and he was a little bit ahead of me (I was distancing away from him- telling him indirectly that I'm also mad at him) but all of a sudden, he walk towards me and placed his arms around me and told me how bad I am. ^_^ He's sooo sweet! ^_^

I know a lot changed with us ever since we ended up with each other- and I'm very happy that they're for the better! ^_^ lovelots! ^_^

Work work work!

2006-04-01T14:06:00.000+08:00

This is going to be one of the longest days of my life... Troy's gonna be out for his work later at 5pm and here I am, trying to work things out on a new project from my boss (I just hope I finish up things I need to do before tomorrow). Troy's gonna get the new cellphone he bought tomorrow and we would be going to mass to thank God for everything we have been receiving up until now- like me having a chance to graduate cum laude, Troy's new phone, and our lasting relationship (of course ^_^).

A very busy month...

2006-03-30T13:52:00.000+08:00

It has been a very busy month. I haven't been able to put entries here since ever. I miss putting stuff here. Anyways, where do I start... ah yes... Time is going shorter and shorter since Troy would be living with his aunt to study (a 10 hour ride from here- that's way too far). He plans to go there by May 15. I plan to go with him ^_^ Not really live there but accompany him for the rest of the summer since I would already be a graduate (I hope so... and I hope I also finish cum laude) and have the rest of the hot season for me- for resting- after the 4 year hardships and other stuff like that- teehee! ^_^ I already asked my mom if I could at least spend the rest of my summer at Troy's place- she agreed and asked me how much I would be spending for my stay there. I'm so delighted but I also feel a little shy since I haven't been able to meet his aunt and I do not know what their reaction would be because Troy hasn't been able to ask her aunt about it yet.

Troy has already been working as a crew member in a fastfood joint (KFC) here and he's pretty doing well. He'll be resigning before he goes to his aunt. I feel regertful for him since he's been doing really good in his job (he's been recently awarded the 'rookie of the month') and I have high hopes that he would be later hired for a regular basis and maybe later on be promoted as a manager (as what he always dreamed of). Anyways, about me... I have been waiting for my adviser to release my paper because the deadline for the submission of grades is drawing near and I do not yet know if he wants me to revise parts of those.

Good luck for the both of us. ^_^
I hope we have a great time at his aunt's place!
and oh--- we just celebrated our 1st year and 10th month together just this march 26 ^_^
i love you Troy! ^_^

It has been a month...

2006-02-25T09:40:00.000+08:00

The only way that we could do so that he (Jake) wouldn't have to go away was to find him a job here- and he was able to find one for himself just days before he was scheduled to leave for his relatives. I was happy- but I know that eventually, he'll be gone for a long time. But at least he's here fow now- with me.

This has been the longest time that I have not been able to put an entry into this blog- and I missed this so much. So... where do I start?

It has already been a month since I started seeing Troy less and less because of my thesis. I need to finish my thesis. I'm not saying that Troy was bugging me or something but I really needed enough time to finish my work OR ELSE I'd have to do the course (the thesis subject alone) for the next 12 months. It was really nice or Troy to understand me considering the fact that he was a person who loved getting attention- specially from people he is close to- most specially from me. There were times before (when we were just about 10 months long) when we had quarrels and fights because I was not giving him enough time as my partner. That was when I entered my part-time job as a software developer. Actually, I was really the one at fault during those times and because of that, the situation got worse and worse (I'm gonna be telling that story some other time ^_^). I'm really very thankful to Troy that he is still holding on to me after all this time. I love you. ^_^

I'm almost to finish my thesis and today, we celebrate our 1 year and 9 months of being together ^_^ It has been a while- I never knew time flew so fast. I could still remember the first time I saw him, the first time I met him, and the time we became "us." Time is running short- you'll be going away but I know that in our hearts, we would always be together ^_^

We're gonna be apart for a long time

2006-01-23T04:02:00.000+08:00

We've always been together for the past 1 year and 7 months that we're together- physically. The only time I get to be very far was when I had to go home for the holidays (but I actually go back here to spend the morning after the eve of Christmas and New year with him).

This time, it's gonna be different.

I have written stuff about it- about Troy living with his relatives. I'm sad and happy at the same time. Sad because he's gonna be far away and I'm gonna miss him so much. Happy because at last he could continue his studies and eventually have a bright future ahead of him.

If I was just rich enough to pay for his schooling. If things were a little bit different: if he just had parents who could support him all the way. But of course, I couldn't control things. They are the way they are.

This would be the biggest challenge that we would be encountering- and I hope that this makes us stronger and more mature as a couple. I told him that if we ever get to overcome this one, we could already live together and pursue our dreams and ambitions.

If there is something to wait for, I'll be waiting- I promise.

Troy's leaving this Saturday, it's already Monday.
He'll be gone for I-have-no-idea. God, please help us.

What has happened in the past days?

2006-01-20T11:25:00.000+08:00

I haven't been able to blog for a while and that is becauseI was too busy with studying and attending to Troy- hehe. ^_^

Just this Monday we had this really big fight where I mistakedly texted him that I wanted the relationship to end. I was to dumb, I thought to myself. He accepted my offer and we parted ways. Not long enough (about 3 hours later), I wanted him back. Just the thought of losing him makes me so depressed I texted him I wanted him back. But of course, he was too full of pride (as usual) and did not want to take things back again. I went for him and begged him to take me back but even a long night of tears and begging, I was in no luck- I was sooo stupid, I said to myself.

"There's this one person in this world brave enough to love me back and here I am, losing him due to my stupid stupidity."

I slept with him that night (he did not want me to go home coz it's too late and it might be dangerous for me to do so- and maybe because he loved me still). I asked him if I could hug him- he agreed.

The morning thereafter, I woke up and cried again to him. I was like a crying machine the whole time. I can't believe he turned me down after a long night crying.

And there I was- a stupid loveless fool. I left the house for my class. While at my apartment, I could not help myself but to text him- I was longing for him. I missed the times when he would text me reminding me to eat well and rest early if ever I had things to do- he was the one filling in my inbox.

The next day came and I was ready to leave him to my past. I asked him if we could have dinner together- he agreed. We ate the same food. hehe. After that, we walked to the bank- I needed to withdraw some bucks. Along the way we were just quiet- trying to feel each other. The truth is that I wanted him to speak first because I was too disappointed to do so. The usual funny and enjoyable conversations we always had turned into cold, quiet moments at this time. I was hopeless. I was feeling lonely even though I knew I was with him.

I felt cold during those times. I did not know if it was the air or I was just sick. I did not like that feeling- that feeling of loneliness.

After going to the bank, we rode back and then I left him, changed my mind again and ran after him. I asked him if I could be with him- just to kill time. My mind was spinning- I told myself: "I had to ask him one last time."

I was thinking of asking him if I could go back into his life again- or not. I promised myself to forget about him if he does not approve of me. It's selfish- to actually forget him- but it would be good for me coz I'm suffering too much from it- I couldn't work, study- I could'nt act normally without him. He was my LIFE. He was my ROUTINE. He was EVERYTHING.

We stayed somewhere comfortable. I told him the stuff I was thinking of the whole time we were not together. I told him I was sorry for eveything wrong I have done to him and for those things I did that he did not like, I apologized to him. Next, I thanked him for everything he has done for me. I know he loved me from the bottom of his heart and that fact made a very significant change in my life- I thank you Troy for making me feel the wondrous feeling of being loved. And then I told him my promise to myself- I was nervous. My mind was spinning.

"What if he says no?" I knew I was gonna go nuts just hearing those words. My heart was pounding fast. I know I didn't want things like this to happen but I wanted things straight- once and for all.

And of course, I knew he loved me. He could not resist me. He said YES.

I wanted to cry there (but of course I couldn't- we were like in a public area).

I was happy. No, overyjoyed. ^_^

I feel sick.

2006-01-12T18:14:00.000+08:00

I did not go to my class this whole afternoon- i had sinusitis and it's making me crazy.

What has happenned lately?

2006-01-10T03:32:00.000+08:00

I have not been able to add post into this blog for some time.

What has actually happenned since the time I was here? Well...

The last time I was here when I was talking about the Christmas frenzy that I was into and feeling guilty about it all.

Troy spent the holidays with us (my family) at our home. It was a bit boring since there wasn't so much to do. Our village was not like of the places here in where I study and where we, me and Troy, are staying right now. It is like any other city-based subdivision where the air is hot and the only entertainment that could be offered are watching tv/movies at home or going out to the malls/bars/hang-out places. Watching tv wouldn't be so nice at our house since we do not have cable (because my sister is a tv freak- stays up till morning- what more could happen if we had cable) and the VCD player was broken. The only thing that kept us entertained was the local channels and the radio (or aurdio CDs). The music was playing but Troy didn't like it because he had his own choice of music which was obviously different from those of the people at home. My sister loved rap, rock and pop. Troy wanted love songs and ballads. Now- about the malls/bars thingie- we were a bit broke from buying gifts and that prevented us from, again, entertaining ouserlves. It was boring- really. That's one reason why I seldom go home (like I go home only twice of thrice a year).

In short, holidays were lots of food, boring time but I was happy coz Troy was with me to spend it. ^_^

Now for the sad part...
Troy heard from his cousin that his grandfather and grandmother spent there holidays at their province. He was a bit jealous since he wanted to go there too. He called his aunt to ask about his grandparents (because his grandparents were the ones that took care of him since childhood). At first, he did not believe his cousin but later found out that his grandparents really are there. They talked and talked until he approached me in the room and told me that his grandparents would be staying there for good and that he was asked if he would like to stay there too (and be able to study college- Troy stopped college to support himself. He doesn't live grandparents anymore and his parents are useless- they left him). He said yes. I had no objection to that- really. I know that it was for the best. He had no way to continue studied right now and I had to resources to support him concerning that. It was the only way for him to graduate without having to give much effort. I was willing to give him the chance though I know deep inside that I wanted him to stay. He was sad. I wanted to cry. My eyes were already filled with tears but I held on- I didn't want to show him that I was sad- I wanted to tell him how happy I am that now, he could be able to finish his studies and eventually land him a better life than what he has now. But of course I let it out. I was sad. He also cried.

We have already faced so many challenges in our relationship and so far, this would become the 2nd most difficult for me. He would be far from me for a long time. Travel there takes about 7 hours- not to mention the fare. If I had a car... If I was rich enough to send him to school... If he was more privileged in life... But of course I could not change what there is now in just a wink of an eye. I know that it would be very hard for the both of us but I told him that like the past challenges we have faced, it would be very easy overcoming them all -as long as we have each other.

He was asked to visit their province so that he could see his grandparents. He stayed there for 2 days and was testing me the whole time that he was happy there and that he enjoyed being with his cousins- not to mention that they went to a five-star resort (Is there such term?). I don't know how to describe what I felt. I know I should be happy that he is happy but the fact that he is happy being there scares me. What if in the long time that he is there, that we are not together, he eventually forgets about me? What if he dismisses me (and my home) as boring since staying at their province provides "better" entertainment? What if I fade away? I don't know what to think.

I am now so busy with my work and my academics. Troy is busy attending to his papers to get his backpay. I haven't seen him since the day he got back from the province (that would be 2 days ago) and I think that he's sad about it. I think that he thinks I am dismissing him like I don't care about him anymore (because I was too tired and only had little sleep for the past days and it affects so much the way I interact with others- including him). I hope he understand my situation. It's hard when you're graudating and working at the same time. I don't blame my love life because it's an inspiration for me ^_^ I love you Troy ^_^ - whatever happens.

Adios. I gotta sleep. I have work to do later. See ya!

I missed blogging so much.

2005-12-21T14:22:00.000+08:00

It's been ages (I think) when I last sat down infront of my computer doing this blog. My past week was outrageous! I was like drinking alcohol for 4 days- straight. Classes has just ended so it's pretty much ok to relax a bit coz the holidays are gonna come!

Dec 13: Tuesday
Promotion of the event to be held together with my organization. I think I drank a bit. It rained and completely canceled the promotion. I was looking forward to the dance number by my orgmates. Oh well.

Dec 14: Wednesday
I was watched this play in our campus. It's the fifth installment and I wasn't able to watch the previous ones but it does not matter coz one they're independent from each other. The play is all about love- tragic love stories with a lot of comedy in it (but it really ends up tragic). After the play, I headed for the bars and drank 3 beers with friends from the play. Little chit-chat and then I headed for home.

Dec 15: Thursday
I was invited to drink at a house where some of my friends stayed. A mixture of hard, light an d grape juice. I hate grape juice but since the grape juice didn't show too much on the taste- I gave in. I was wasted early morning- puking all over the bathroom. I then went home after that.

Dec 16: Friday
Christmas party of my dance troop. Yeah- I dance: hiphop. Troy asked me not to smoke or drink. Promise- I did not smoke but drank about 2 shots of brandy. He's gonna go mad if he knew.

I feel a bit guilty about having fun all this time and Troy having to work while I do it all. Uggh! But anyways, I'll be avoiding all of it from then on and if ever I have the chance to drink again, I'll tag him along. ^_^ It's been long since the last time I ahd a drink with him (I mean alcohol). I love it when he drinks beer, goes dizzy and all, and becomes so horny he'll sex you up like there's gonna be no tomorrow! Hehe! I miss you Troy!

Freezing

2005-12-07T11:29:00.000+08:00

It's not like it's freezing out here- it's just so cold I'd love to sleep again. What am I doing?! I need to do research for my Speech Comm subject. The main library gives me asthma and I do not have my ID with me so I'll have to do with google.

Troy's back at his apartment, making signboards saying: "NO SMOKING" coz his crewmates always smoke in his room which he doesn't like. And he told me he's CLEANING up the house. Troy NEVER cleans the house. He told me he's changed ^_^ I complemented him on that one. He's gonna go to work later. I was planning to come over. I'll wait for another chance. Bye! I'll have to do my assignment and get on with my part-time work!

Hugs

2005-12-06T10:30:00.000+08:00

I wish Troy was here givin me those warm, smooth hugs I love. He loves cuddling up to me and I love the feeling of his warm skin touch my body. And the rest is history. ^_^

Cold morning

2005-12-06T07:20:00.000+08:00

Sh*t! IT always happens. Everytime I would like to wake up early in the morning or EVEN in the late evening (when I go to sleep really early like 8pm), I set up my alarm to wake me up. Guess what? When the alarm goes off, my hands automatically turns it off- and then I doze off once more. I even forgot to say my "good night"s to Troy!

It's raining like hell since yesterday evening. I think it's gonna last 'til afternoon. I hope so- I love the cool air running down my skin. ^_^

Morning sun

2005-12-04T11:19:00.000+08:00

It's so hot out here. I just woke up, washed my underwears and got to my computer. I've got deadlines for tomorrow and I haven't started even one yet. Troy forgot, again, to text me last night before he slept but he woke up when I told him that I love him so much even though he always forgets to text me before he sleeps (no sarcasm attached). Then some minutes later (I think I woke him up because of that text), he replied saying he's sorry, again, for forgetting. I called him up on the fone (for 1 minute coz I've got no more credits) and heard his sweet voice! I miss him so much I hugged his pillow last night so tight! He's gonna be out of work early and I do not know if I would ask him to come over because I've got to do some work here and he might just eat all my time (I devote all my time for him whenever he comes over- I'm such a Troy-a-holic). Well, I've gotta do my school stuff now. Byee!

Alone and cold

2005-12-03T11:41:00.000+08:00

I slept alone in the room last night. My roomates have gone off to their homes of somewhere else I do not know. *I wish Troy was here* was all that went on in my mind. We have not slept together for I think more than a week already and I miss his scent, his hugs, his kisses, blah, blah... There were times when we stay at our friend's house which is right at the foot of a mountain so the air there so cold sometimes, he'd snuggle up to me and give me a big warm hug!

Just as I predicted, I would be alone again this night. I texted Troy that if he has enough strength to come over after work, I'd gladly "accomodate" him during the night. But alas! He went out later than expected and he was to come to work early morning tomorrow. Too pooped to travel, he texted me that he had a headache and he was heading for his apartment to wash his uniform for his work the following day. Another cold evening/ morning for me.

*I miss you*

Again, at the bar

2005-12-02T23:17:00.000+08:00

I went to where Troy was staying yesterday right after my last class. I missed him so much that when I finally got to see him, I wanted to kiss him right there and then, but of course, I didn't have that much guts to actually do that. With me was a bag full of his clothes that he asked me to bring to him. He got it from me and we walked from the corner where I was dropped to the plase where we always eat together (and he hugged me when it was a bit dark- *sigh* I miss hi m again). We ate dinner and walked back to his apartment. It was a bit tiresome- took us about 15 to 20 mins to actually walk. Along the way, he was telling me how good he was at work and other work-related stuff that I would always expect from him (his world revolved around his work and his friends who were also his workmates so one would expect that all he'll talk about would be his experiences with his workmates at work). We arrived at his apartment and proceeded to his room. His other workmates were also there watching TV so we positioned ourselves at the back where he sleeps. blah blah... We were kind of fooling around at the back until I decided to finally go home because I had class by the next day. Along the way home, I saw my best friend with his boyfriend. It was Thursday night and Thursdyas were supposed to be "hang-out" nights here. There was a good spot near the middle of the place. It was an open area with lots of tables all around and the bars where all positioned such that it was like a castle and the bars were the walls. We got ourselves beer and a plate of cheesesticks. Then another round of beers came, I was full- I needed to pee. My best friend came with me. The comfort room was so full of people discharging so we went to the back and got to pee there. Someone went beside me. He was gonna pee or he was pretending to pee and kept on looking at my weenie. F*cking bastard! If I was an asshole, I would have shouted it right into his face. Sh*t! Anyways, morning came, I was tipsy so I went home.

I woke up to do my homework for my class that afternoon. Got it printed and headed for class. Our professor told us to pass rather pass it next week- I do my assignment for the first time and she doesn't get it- what's the world going to? I need high grades. I'm graudating this semester (and I hope I still have the grades to graudate a cum laude). I went home, watched a movie with my housemate, took a bath and went to Troy- he wanted me there. Maybe he missed me ^_^

I'm back. Super tired from the day, lack of sleep and trip. Gotta sleep right. I hope I get enough rest to start my mini-thesis, furnish my speech plan, continue my tasks at work and finish an exercise in one of my electives.

*sigh*

Wishing you were here to comfort me.

Good morning

2005-12-01T10:34:00.000+08:00

I got up at about 8:30 in the morning. Got a bit heavy head though I managed to stay awake and brush my teeth. Troy texted me, waking me up. I replied to him that I'm already awake. He didn't answer. I looked at his text. Time: 7:04am. Current time: 8:30am. I received it an hour and a half ago- must have been dozing off during that time. Can't wait to see him later! I'll be going to him after my first and last class today (4-5:30pm class) and proceed there. There have been so many things that happened to me this past few days that we weren't together- including last night- and I can't wait to share it all with him! I've got so many stories to tell! Oks! I'll be working for now! I've got a quota to reach! Till later or maybe tomorrow!

Notes:
We've got a friend (actually our best friend) that's going to celebrate his birthday on Thursday. He's a bisexual turned holy because he joined a bible study group. What suggestions can you offer?

Tipsy morning

2005-12-01T02:18:00.000+08:00

The night was getting deeper. I wanted to go out and have some fun (clean fun) but instead, I decided to go to the hospital and accompany my friend in his lonely looking-out-for-his-friend job. I took a bath after a talk with Troy over the cellphone- yes, he finally replied to my text and calls and told me that they were having an inventory so he got out of work pretty past his real schedule. Anyways, going back to the story- I set out to take a bath. Afterwhich, I headed for the hospital but, along the way, i saw some of my orgmates (people I am with in an organization- not an orgy) eating in a restaurant. I looked a little closer to make sure that it was them. It was them. I went in and had a chat with them. I've missed the organization so much since I am not able to alot time for it- because I had so much to do now that I'm to graduate. I had so much catching up to do. There were about 5 of us in a table, 4 guys and a girl. One (a bisexual) was talking about his new crush in the other org and another was texting his "lovelife," the other two were just hearing them out. The other two, without me knowing, knew that the other two were, in fact, gay. There wasn't so much shock in me cince it was actually a usual site in the org (Haha!) though we try to contain information inside so that the org wouldn't be branded as a bunch of bisexuals or gays. Anyways, the other (knowing my true gender) asked me how "we" were. He was asking me how things are between me and Troy but in a subtle way, without names, without any clues. I never really knew how our world here was. The group I was talking to was just so very related to Troy. God, how smaller can the world be? The girl was a friend of Troy (I just found out recently). One of the guys was a classmate of Troy from elementary to high school. The other guy was the boyfriend of the guy he "flirted" with during the times when his life was still such a mess. The last guy in the group always noticed us together (unusually close) in the streets (maybe those times when Troy is around town during his rest days). One of the guys knew about me (the 3rd person I mentioned above) because I told him so (and because our world is so small) but I was surprised that the all of them knew about "it." I wasn't that very shocked but the fact that they had hunches and assumptions creeped me out. Does that mean that we were too "close" to each other in public? God, I wish i knew. But actually, it doesn't matter that much to me. It's just that I wish everything would come out of my mouth rather than them telling it to me.

*whew*

Going back to the story- we then went to meet up the "lovelife" of one of my orgmates. After separating paths with them, I went to my guy best friend who was with his boyfriend. He was looking for me earlier. I went to this cafe where they were drinking the night out. We chatted a lot. A lot of reminiscing (this best friend of mine was a classmate way back in high school) got on. After 2 bottles of beer and 11 sticks of cigarettes, we finally decided to end the night (or rather morning). I then rode back to my apartment and they walked to the corner of the highway for their ride.

*Good morning*
*Yawn*
*Tipsy*
*Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

I'm back

2005-11-30T18:27:00.000+08:00

Tired, wasted and still missing Troy, I'm back in the apartment. After my last class, me and some of my friends had the usual (we just started it last week) cake-eating session. I had one of the largest slices and the gigantic amount of icing made my stomach uneasy. But it did not stop there. We went to this place where they had a lot of sorts of street food and there, one of my friends gave us a treat. Aftwerwards, I headed for the back to withdraw some cash and was surprised to see a long line of people, waiting for their turn. It is the 30th of the month and it was the time when people are given the salary. The ATM lines go very long during the 15th and 30th- how could I ever forget that? I have been getting my allowance through the back for more than 3 years now. Anyways, I proceeded to the another nearby bank and got some cash. I was walking towards home when I remembered that I had to pick up my housemate's laundry from the laundromat. I walked back. I wish I hadn't. On my way back, I ran across Troy's "ex," or should I say "the third party guy that became a problem for us and so on and so forth" guy (maybe I'll get to that on other posts) and looked at him straight in the eye. Thank God I did not have the same weight that I feel on my chest whenever I see him unlike before when everything was still fresh on my mind. Anyways, he saw me smoking. Yeah. I was again smoking. Just one stick. Unlike in my highschool days when my friends had to take the lighter from me so that I could stop smoking. Back then, I was a chain-smoker. But now, I'm a changed man- Troy told me that it was not for him but for me that I must not smoke. *I love you Troy* Back to the story. I went ot the laundromat but my housemate's laundry wasn't ready yet until tomorrow so I headed for home with a new stick of cigarette while figuring out how to solve my newly-bought, weird-shaped rubix cube.

Where is Troy? I've been waiting for his text all afternoon. He didn't even text me during his break time. This kind of situation makes me go nuts. Whenever he does not text me long enough for an accident to happen, I

(Step by step)
1) panic
2) try calling his phone and if it's down or he doesn't answer go to number 3 else, go to number 5
2) dress up really quick
3) hurry going to his apartment
4) look for him
5) learn that he's ok and that he just fell asleep, or he didn't notice that his cellphone was off, or he was taking a bath while I was calling, or he was still at work, etc, etc

It happens all the time. But I'm always happy that he's alright.

I want to panic right now. The network's not letting me in for a call and I haven't received a sinlge text from him all afternoon. It's weird.

Morning dilemma

2005-11-30T11:15:00.000+08:00

I got up late. Actually, I woke up early, turned off my alarm clock and got back to sleep again and then I was "Oh sh*t, I haven't done my assignment and I've got only 30 minutes left before class!" panic this morning. It was 8:30 in the morning. My cellphone was telling me that I have messages. One message was from my friend who was in the hospital looking after his friend who was sick. The other was from Troy. He apologized for not texting me before he went to sleep.

(English translation so that everyone could understand)
*Good morning love!Ü I'm sorry for forgetting to text you last night before I doze off. I love you!Ü I miss you so much!Ü*

Yep. with all the smileys and the exclamation marks. We love placing smileys in our texts. I told him never ever to forget that (if he feels happy) because I go nuts whenever he doesn't. If he doesn't put them, there must be something wrong (or maybe I did something bad and that he did not like what I did. The same also goes for me).

8:30 I got up.
8:35 Fixed my stuff.
8:40 Brushed my teeth and washed my face.
8:43 I headed for class
9:00 Our professor came. I had three blanks in my paper and a thesis statement that sucked.

Yeah. I came to class without taking a shower. (Nothing to worry because I don't smell bad and a hair instant fix: a cap on the head.)

After class, I texted back Troy and told him that I was already "immune" to it. He's such a sleepyhead. He'd just lay on the bed- the next thing you know, he's already sound asleep.
I was walking my way home when suddenly something hit my mind. I remembered the time I asked Troy to come stay at our house after my graduation. He could work there and we could live together in my room. But now I think that I was just too selfish. Wanting him to stay with me would mean him leaving his life here. I know he has already made friends at work (which I greatly encouraged him to do so because he's such a dork at making friends- he doesn't like approaching people and is so picky when it comes to having friends.) and that if he goes with me, he'll be going to start again from the beginning, without friends and without anything. There is no big problem about him leaving his family since they don't really care if he stays here or not. He is already living independently at the age of 19 (and I look up to him so much concerning that). He already said yes but I'm not really sure he was 100% going for it. The thought that he might be having hesitations made me realize that maybe I was too hasty about it. Of course I'd love to have him close to me (and him too) but I think that I may be I'm getting a little bit too far with this. It was like asking him a rhetorical question. The next time I see him, I'll be explaining everything to him. And tell him that I realized that having me to work as a programmer/ software engineer would require much amount of time from me (which I am now experiencing even before I graduated- I work part time right now). If the plan would push through, there can be many times when I may not be around and that would leave him alone in the house. It would be very miserable for him- and I don't want him like that. I will tell him to come with me when he already is ready to face the challenges of having a partner with a time-demanding job. This may be very sad for me (or even for both of us) since we have been longing to be together again- in one house, under one roof. But if it is his life, his freedom and his happiness that he has to sacrifice for me, I'd rather step back and wait until the time comes for us to be together. It's better that he came to live with me open-heartedly rather than living with me coz I said so. I'm not talking about a breakup here but a long-distance relationship. And of course, I would be visiting every weekend that I would be available! Hehe!

*I love you*

(But I've got one more option: I could work here at an international institute and maybe begiven salary same as that of in the city. ^_^ But I think I'll put that later. I still have class at 2pm.)

The night's end

2005-11-30T01:11:00.000+08:00

I almost forgot- it's my younger sister's birthday. I called her up early this evening with my last minute for calls. The call was cut due to that but I was able to say what I wanted to say and even got to let everyone of my orgmates to shout "Happy Birthday!" over the cellphone. I'm back from an organization meeting. It lasted for about two and a half hours, leaving me with a super empty, super hungry stomach. 10:30pm- my tummy was shouting out to me. The last time I ate was about 5:45pm- a measly small bag of chocolate chips. The whole gang, after the meeting, proceeded to a nearby hang-out place. It was my chance to eat maki! Yes, I love sushi very much (but not as much as I love Troy- hehe!). The wasabe was too much for me. I think I placed too much that it made that awkward sensation across my nostrils, but still, I managed to have it all. *sigh* When will I have the chance to eat maki again (and I specially like the california maki). I'm saving up for Christmas to buy gifts for everyone (but most specially to my Troy) but sometimes, I just let myself buy food I don't usually buy but that which I am greatly in love with. Oh well.

Early this afternoon, just after I posted my most recent post, Troy texted me (I was hoping he'd text me coz I texted him earlier). He told me he got out pretty early because the manager told him so. I got to tell him about this newly created blog about us! ^_^

I think I'll have to snooze for now. I have a class at 9 in the morning.

Good morning Troy. I love you. (You again forgot to text me before you sleep or you just ran out of credits ^_^)

Endless thoughts

2005-11-30T01:06:00.000+08:00

Does he (Troy) think about me during his freetime?
Does he miss me as much as I miss him?

Actually, long distance wouldn't really be a big of a problem. Yes- we miss each other so much that I want to go to his apartment (an hour trip) everyday- but of course, that would be overacting- and we also agreed to save money as much as possible. I also get a bit jealous at times (though no that intense) because I know that most of the gay people in his work like him (coz my Troy has the looks that a gay man would die for) and that they are sometimes too "close" ti him. He tells me that- and I'm very impressed and pretty much relaxed by his honesty. And also, there can be no question to the amount of trust that I have on him. That may very well be seen in our "past" which I think would be told later in this blog.

The sole problem in this is the longing to be with your loved one. However sad it may make me, I still carry on with this "burden" (because there isn't really much choice).

I consider this a challenge. I asked Troy if he would be willing to fight with me through this challenge. Now, I am rest assured that he would be there, hand in hand, helping each other until we get to the finish line.

"If we don't make it, we were not meant for each other."

(Translation: Hold on if you really love me. Do not worry, I'll just always be by your heart.)

Mind outpour

2005-11-30T00:45:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to write about. There are alot of thing that I would love to place here but I can't seem to decide which of them would fit. Maybe I'll just let the days pass by. ^_^

I miss him.

We're 20 years old- and it's official

2005-11-30T00:20:00.000+08:00

Yep, you read it right- we have just reached the time when we cannot anymore call ourselves "teenagers." We're getting old- and I like it.

*I just wanna grow old with you*

Luvlots.

It's evening

2005-11-29T13:38:00.000+08:00

I've been waiting for a text from Troy this afternoon but none came. Of course, none would come- he's off to work and they are not allowed to tinker around with their cellphones during workhours (sorry, I'm talking to myself again). I texted him this afternoon and told him that I already ate lunch and that he should also or else his ulcer might come back. He had ulcer before- as I was told by his cousin. Never did I forget to remind him of eating at the right times because it's better to waste money on food than have to buy food and medicine (for the ulcer) at the same time (we've been avoiding spending too much on just about everything because we'd like to save some for our future ^_^).

I'd love to remember it all

2005-11-29T02:51:00.000+08:00

We started a journal of our life about around our tenth month together. When he (Troy) needed to move away for his work, I got lazy writing in it and eventually forgot about it (though I keep it with my precious thingies). Maybe it's best to write it all down here since I'm always infront of my computer and as time has been passing by, so is my forgetfulness becoming worse and worse.

I love the times we spend together and the times we are separated with each other (and that has no dirty meaning to it). When he's here for his rest day, we'd often fool around and just have the time for ourselves- and I really miss that when he's away. The more time he's away, the more I miss him and the more I want him for myself (hehe!).

*sigh*

Missing him again.

It would be all here... in case they come off my head, I'll look in to this.
This is me Jake saying "This is our life."

Signin' out.